What Compels Us to Lie?

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I was recently asked to comment on ‘what compels us to lie?’ for The Star paper in Malaysia.  You can read the full article by clicking on the link below, a book review of Dan Ariely’s ‘The (honest) Truth About Dishonesty – How we lie to ev…eryone, especially ourselves’.
http://thestar.com.my/lifestyle/story.asp?file=%2F2013%2F5%2F4%2Flifebookshelf%2F13060392&sec=lifebookshelf
Wishing you a beautiful, honest, day.
Lucy x

Who Moved That Goal Post?

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What do you do when the rug is pulled from under your feet by a decision you are not party to? For instance, when there is a change at work imposed on you from above.
Decisions by others can affect us deeply, particularly if we don’t agree with them.  And we feel compelled to resist.  In some situations, we will even violate our personal values in order to resist or rebel – ironically this is most likely to occur when we believe that the decision that was made goes against our values.  Also interesting is that we will rebel subconsciously even without realising it or meaning to.  Resistance can take many forms including: withdrawal; anger; standing up for what we believe; complaining with our peers; mourning the loss of what once was.  In essence, we utilise a strategy that has worked for us in the past in a disempowered attempt to ‘right the wrongs’ of the decision.  We’ve all been there at some point.
However, this has a knock on affect on other aspects of our lives; we become tired and grumpy around our nearest and dearest and we focus on what is wrong, nurturing resentment and anger or even despair.  And in doing so, we negate our own power to make a difference.
Decisions will be made by others and we won’t always be party to them, or agree with them.  But it is also true that decisions, even when they are difficult, need to be made.  And when they are, you might be surprised to hear that it is not the decision that causes our pain and suffering, but the meaning we attach to the decision and the way we behave as a result of it.
Tip: Next time you feel the rug pulled from under your feet by a decision outside of your control, stop and ask:
What is the meaning I am attaching to this decision?
Is it true?
Is there a possibility that there is one or more alternative meanings that could also apply?
Am I offering to others what I expect from them in terms of the way I am behaving?
What is in my power to achieve or do given the new situation?
What support can I offer to others?
What is within my control that I can focus on right now?
Then ACT on your answers.  This will give you back your power and your mojo too.

Iceburg Up Ahead!

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Have you ever heard the old adage that your words count for 7% of your communication?
We all have heard it from time to time, but how many of us really do something about it?

At a recent Assessment Centre, I was roleplaying with a well qualified and competent individual who was seeking a new managerial position.  The roleplay scenario was one of performance management.  My character was technically one of the shining stars, yet had been underperforming in some aspects of her role.
If you read a transcript of the meeting, you would it had been highly successful, with both parties leaving happy with the outcome.  The candidate displayed really strong insight as to the problem, he was not afraid to explain the issues and he was supportive, offering his guidance going forward.  Perhaps a little directive at times, he managed to gain acceptance, if not complete buy in to his plan, but pretty much on the button in terms of his judgement of the situation.
However, as the meeting played out, sat in the seat of the direct report, my character felt slowly crushed and by the end of the meeting, was utterly despondent.

What could possibly have had such a powerfully negative impact during such an apparently positive meeting?

Everything he didn’t say.

His non-verbal communication was entirely incongruent to his words.  In fact, in the 30 minutes we had for the meeting, there was only one smile – as he said goodbye.

When highlighting the performance issues, he frowned and his speech was laboured as if to demonstrate the severity of the problem.  When encouraging me with positive words, he continued to frown and sigh, shaking his head.

Rather than the performance challenges being bumps in the road to be overcome, my character felt like she was a burden to the company.  The small amount of praise for her achievements were delivered deadpan and without enthusiasm, bookended by her failures.
As people managers, we have a responsibility not just to drive for a result, but to the well being of the other person.  Any frustration we have towards others inevitably leaks through our body language and has a direct impact on them and consequently on the quality of the outcome.

Tip: next time you have to have that difficult conversation, give yourself a moment to remember “This person is doing their absolute best with all that they currently know and the resources they believe are available to them.” and see how

Lucy Windsor

 

 

 

Have You Got the ‘Busy Disease’?

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The Western World is busy.  We all go from task to task, delivering the best we can in the time we have available.  The ‘busy disease’ has reached epidemic proportions.  The very word ‘busy’ is beginning to take over so much head space that there’s little left for actually accomplishing anything, and when we do, we don’t have the time to enjoy it.  In fact, it has become part of our everyday language:
“How are you?” “I’m ridiculously busy!” this is usually followed by a stream of things to be done.  Then, so as not to be seen to be lacking in the ‘busy’ department, the reply to this is typically “Tell me about it, I am so manic, I am exhausted and it’s only Monday.  Heaven knows how I will be by the weekend!”
When asked ‘How are you?’  What is your usual reply?  If it is ‘busy’ or ‘stressed’ or ‘tired’ or similar, then you too are suffering from the ‘busy disease’, the addiction that has spread through the workplace and somehow leaked out into our home lives too.  The stock offering we have conditioned ourselves to say in order to demonstrate somehow that we are earning our place in this world.   The problem is that if left unchecked, it will eventually affect your health.
If you have the ‘busy disease’ and want to create more joy and wellbeing in your life, my tip is to start small.  Rather than trying to be less ‘busy’ – let’s face it, that’s not going to happen over night.  Start instead simply by changing your language.  When someone asks you how you are, give them your full attention, look them in the eyes and say, “I feel wonderful today! How are you?”
This breaks the ‘busy’ competition – after all, is being ‘busy’ really an award you want to be competing for?   This statement that you feel wonderful simply breaks the pattern for both you and the other person.  Like a small neurological shock – “Really?  You feel wonderful?! There’s so much to do, yet you feel wonderful?  Wow! I’d like to feel wonderful too!”  Isn’t it true that we accomplish so much more when we feel great?  There is clear scientific proof that our brain will believe what we tell it, so if Wonderful feels better than Busy why not go there instead?
Try it for a couple of weeks and simply watch the results.

Are You Self-Centred?

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When you are at work, are you self-centred?
Self – unique qualities
Centred – confident, serene and well balanced.
Far from a weakness, to be really self-centred is one of our greatest strengths.
When the pressure is on, organisations rely on those who stay calm and disciplined.  They look to those who know how to state clearly and concisely what needs to be done and to ask for support if they don’t have the reach themselves, they trust the team members who take 100% responsibility for their own decisions and actions and can objectively review a situation, rather than blaming others when things go wrong.
So if you’ve always believed that being self-centred is an ugly trait, perhaps it is time to think again.

Values in the Real World

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The notion of incorporating values into our own lives is a challenge that I put to myself and my clients each day. It’s not always easy to be 100% committed to values in a literal way – so go easy on ourselves and where we are challenged, ask the question: are my values being damaged in this case or merely adapted to get through the reality of this situation?

The Real Way to make a Personal Impact

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We all know that we never get a second chance to make a first impression. Yet we devote so little time to developing it. When you think of Personal Impact also think of Confidence, Gravitas, Authenticity, Spontaneity, Courage, Passion, Demeanour, Rapport, Energy, Fluency.

They’re all in the mix.

On Monday 7th April 2008, at The Old Vic, the world’s oldest rehearsal venue, London SE1, 10 participants attended a 1-day workshop. There was very little talking from me, lots of doing from the participants.

They found it challenging no matter how confident they were!
So it wasn’t for the faint hearted!!
We spent a great deal of the focus on developing personal brand…

How much personal impact do you have?

Be honest.

When you walk in a room do eyes turn in your direction or do they glaze over when you talk to people about your day or what you do? Can you hold the attention of a group and have them hanging on your every word? Or do they suddenly find they have to be somewhere else, or interrupt you mid-stream? Personal impact is important – no, it’s crucial for success not only personally but also professionally. If you want to influence people, be an effective leader and achieve great results then you need bags of impact. Where does it come from and how do you get more of it?
When you are confident you are free to be yourself.

Our years of experience in helping people to develop their personal impact have led us to recognise that the foundation of personal impact is self confidence. We believe confidence isn’t about outward show it’s about inner strength and self belief. If you believe in yourself you will feel more confident. Beliefs are created and reinforced by experience and thoughts. The way you think about yourself has a profound effect on the impact you have on others. You can develop confidence by talking to yourself in a positive way, making positive pictures in your mind and acting as if you are confident by taking risks. If this doesn’t work, you may need the help of a coach.

When you are real you have impact

Being real is an important component of making a positive impact. People who are comfortable being themselves don’t feel the need to conform to the expectations others and are often perceived as having presence. You can’t be authentic without inner confidence. People who are confident act naturally as they don’t feel the need to put on a mask. When your words and actions match, and that congruence is combined with confidence and conviction, you will have a magnetic personality that attracts people to you. Those who say one thing and do another rarely have impact, nor those who seek constantly to please and satisfy others.

When you have impact you have influence

Personal impact can be defined as ‘having an effect upon someone or something’. When you make an impact – positive or negative – people will react in some way. The secret of success lies in being aware of the impact you’re making on others then adapting what you do to get the result you want. You will be more likely to ‘hit it off’ with people when you match your communication style to suit the other person.

When you make a positive impact you have a head start when it comes to influencing and persuading others to buy your ideas. You are more likely to persuade your boss to give you a raise or convince a customer that you can provide what they want when the impression you make is of a confident, genuine person who is ‘speaking their language’.

You need influence to be a leader

Whether we lead a team or not we are all leaders – personally responsible for the direction we’re heading, motivating ourselves and attaining our goals. Once you’re clear about where you want to go and how you will get there you are well on your way towards achieving it. Effective leadership is about walking your talk and practising what you preach. The more able you are as a leader the more influential you will become. When leaders create and share a compelling vision they inspire and motivate people. Visionary leaders think big and act with boldness. They know where they’re going and the kind of impact they want to make.
During the day the group learnt how to:

  • Assess the effect of their appearance
  • Use and be more aware of body language
  • Understand how best to use their own communication style
  • Clarify and deliver their message

A lot of the feedback was focused on how the group felt as a result, for instance:

  • Better equipped to handle small group situations
  • More alert to what happens in a small group
  • Ready to convey both confidence and conviction
  • More sensitive to others and their communication needs Now they were able to:
  • Convey quality in your personal message
  • Give effective briefings
  • Chair or participate in meetings
  • Deal with business and social occasions
  • Create personal chemistry and rapport

Click on the video to find out what some of the participants felt about the day…

Marriage Disputes

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Here’s something that we did recently for a great company that work with marriage disputes before they get to the D-I-V-O-R-C-E stage. Go to www.marriagemakeover.co.uk to discover more about this company.

Roleplay has all sorts of uses to create an impact and a positive outcome for those that spectate. Very often, in fact we are looking to turn the ‘spectators’ into ‘spectactors’ – that is, to inspire some form of action.

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